HEEEELLLLLOOOOOO

Hope everyone is doing well on this fine Thursday.

Today...I am going to tell you about the time I almost killed Christi with my vag. Yep.

But let me start this one from the beginning.

After we met Norman Reedus, we really became instant friends. We started hanging out all the time. And come summer...we decided we needed to go to this water park up near where Christi has a lake house. We both had gone there as kids, and hadn't been there since. (Tomahawk Lake. Pretty kick ass little water park)

It ended up just being the 2 of us...because well boys suck. I'm actually happy it was just us...we had a blast.

We got up early and headed out. We figured the earlier we got there, the better. It was a good call because it started to get crowded towards the afternoon.

Christi drove, but we had her mom's car. Our plan was to spend the morning/afternoon there, then stop by her Aunt and Uncle's house in the evening for dinner.

Because we got to the lake so early, we could pretty much walk up and on to any water slide without a wait. We did all of them once, then just did the ones we wanted to again.

We went down this one that is basically a black tunnel in a tube where the both of us could go. The first time we went down, Christi hit the water so hard she blew one of her plugs in her ears out. The next time we went down, it was almost disastrous. Now...I am bigger than Christi. This is no secret. So, naturally, I was on the back of the tube and she was on the front. The first time we went down, she was launched out of the tube...hence the losing of the plug. The second time we went down, she was sucked under. We hit the water and the front of the tube immediately went under the water. Because the front of the tube went under, I was basically flipped up and forward and came down on top of her. When she went to try and come up to the top of the water for air, she came up right in my crotch...right in the vag. She panicked. I panicked. (This is a theme. Always panic) When she finally surfaced she was so mad, haha. To this day she tells people that my vag tried to murder her.

After that whole incident, the tiki bar was open so we headed that way. We learned that they allow you to walk around with your alcohol. Yep. Water slides and alcohol. It's perfect really.

(Notice the plug missing from her ear.)

We had a few drinks, rode the slides a few more times and then decided it was time to pack up and head over to her Aunt and Uncle's house.

When we got back to our locker to get out stuff, we realized that our phones didn't have signal all day, so they were dead. We got back to the car and then quickly realized that our GPS was also dead. We plugged in a charger in the car, and realized that the cigarette lighter didn't work. So we had no form of GPS, and no form of communication. Christi wasn't 100% sure where we were going, but we decided we would wing it.

While we were driving around all of these back roads, I really had to pee. 

(Now...if any of you had ever drank with me...you know I have to pee every 6 minutes. Even if  just sip a beer, I'm peeing. That's not an exaggeration. It's come to the point that my friends keep track of how many times I go. When we used to frequent a local bar, the bartender used to leave a beer on the back of the toilet in the bathroom because I was a frequent visitor of the toilet.)

I decided that it was better to pull over and pee, than to pee my pants. Good decision, right? Well, Christi didn't pull over when I said I was doing this, so I took matters in to my own hands and pulled the wheel and pulled us over. Now...looking back on this...it probably wasn't the best idea. But, we survived...and I got to pee. That's really all that matters.

After the pee incident, we decided that we really had no idea where we were. We found a little strip mall with a liquor store and a Subway. Christi had to pee now (see, I'm not the only one) so we went in to Subway. I got us this little pizza from Subway while she peed. We then walked to the liquor store, bought a few beers and got back in the car.

We ate the pizza while we decided what to do. The pizza was cold and gross. Don't ever order pizza from Subway.

Christi came up the genius idea of going back a few miles and stopping at the Verizon Store we saw. Genius. I know.

We found the store, and they were nice enough to let us plug in a phone so it could charge enough for us to call her Aunt.

Once we had called her Aunt to come and get us, we sat in the parking lot and opened a beer. We deserved it...c'mon.

Her Aunt got there, we threw out the opened beers (we aren't THAT bad) and followed her back to her house. Ends up, we were like 2 minutes away. Literally only a few blocks. I guess we weren't that lost after all.

It was a long day...but really a day I will never forget. It was the first real adventure we had gone on as friends. (After we realized we needed to be friends because of Norman Reedus)

First adventure of many. We go through times where we don't have any free days, and we both sit there like jeez we plan too much. Then we have a few days where we don't have anything going on, and we sit there like jeez we don't plan enough.

This summer is turning out to be pretty epic. We have been super busy, but we have done so much.

Keep checking back. We will be posting new adventures as they happen!

Let the good times roll.

-Amy

Circle Time.

Welcome back boys and girls!

Everyone take a seat on the circle carpet, and Amy will begin story time.

Today, I have a story of something I am very proud of.

No...seriously though...I am going to tell you all about something that I think I will forever be proud of.

If you all haven't realized by now, basically anything either one of us is invited to...it is basically assumed the other is coming.

My "Aunt" was getting married this March...naturally Christi was my date to the wedding. I am not always invited places with a "date" because...well...I'm very much single. But, it is pretty well known that Christi and are quite a fun pair when together...so that gets me a "date". (This is where #NotLesbians comes in to play)

Anyway...where was I...oh yes...my "Aunt" is getting married.

One day while at work I got this genius idea of HEY you guys can TOTALLY learn the Evolution of Dance video and do it at the wedding! (If you haven't seen this...go on YouTube and search for "Evolution of Dance'. I'll wait.....)

I brought it up to Christi (while we were having a few cocktails) and naturally we thought it would be way better if we came up with our own dance. Sounds easy...right?

We started by writing down all the songs we could think of that we would want to do. We had WAY too many songs on the list, but figured we would figure out what dances we could actually do.

We procrastinated...ALOT. We kept saying we were going to get started, and would end up with some beer or wine and just sitting there talking about it.

Once we hit about 2 weeks before the wedding we decided we really had to get on this.  I downloaded a program that was supposed to help me cut and paste songs together. It sounded easy.

We narrowed our list of songs down...after much bickering back and forth about dances and things.

It took me 2 nights to FINALLY get the song all cut and put together. It was pretty genius if you ask me.

We settled on starting the entire thing with "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus. All Christi really wanted to do was slide in on her knees.

We threw in 11 other songs.

Once we got the song together...we got to work learning the dances. It was about 2 weeks in my basement for a few hours after work. We told no one what we were doing. I'm not really sure what my parents thought we were doing there.  There was lots of music and yelling.

The night before the wedding we were really on crunch time. We were just finishing nailing everything down. We had to go out and get Christi knee pads...we realized that she couldn't do the Gangnam Style dance without her knees getting all bruised. I also had to make the tshirts we were going to wear and the ribbon dancer I wanted for Harlem Shake. They came out pretty awesome if I do say so myself. This is when the hashtag #NotLesbians came about.  A lot of people assume we are couple...and we figured that it was going to be really assumed when we became each other's date's to weddings. 

We also decided last minute that we were going to have my sister and cousin come in and join us on Proud Mary. Then, for Harlem Shake, we were going to include all of my cousins to make it like a real Harlem Shake.

Fast forward...during the cocktail hour. My friend was DJing the wedding...so we had to find him to give him the CD of the song. We found him, and he said he was going to have us be the first thing after the first dance and all that jazz. He told us that once he announced that salad was being served...we should go change. Then after a few minutes he was going to announce that the dance floor was open, and that was our queue. 

We got up when salad was served, and changed as quickly as we could.  While we were waiting outside the room, we convinced the bartender that we needed a shot. (They weren't allowing shots at this venue)

I walked over to the door a few feet away to scope out where I could run in...and before I knew it you could hear "...I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAALLLL" and Christi was gone through the door.  I ran in just in time to get to the end and belt out a few words.

It took a song or 2 for people to realize what was happening. We got a pretty good reaction when it went in to "Gangnam Style". Christi had her knee pads now...so no knees were bruised.

The dance went well from there. I am happy that we did it!

It was a pretty epic evening. It was a super fun wedding...and I'd like to think we provided something that the bride and groom will never forget.

If you'd like to watch...here yah go.

Let The Good Times Roll

-Amy

Not My Planned Post

Ok, so I guess it's my turn. I'm Christi and I am also 28. I am her counterpart in this Thelma and Louise like friendship. Originally I was going to post about our first real outing as friends and this one time I almost set Amy on fire (don't worry we will revisit this subject). So let's get to the latest event, with a slight back story.



We have a friend who hosts this really cool, really fun country show on the local college radio station. We listen pretty often and sometimes after a few cocktails  (you will begin to notice this is a pattern) we like to call in with funny accents to request songs. He always knows it's us. So one night, a few weeks ago, he was giving away tickets to see Chase Bryant at the state fair. We decided to call in and test our luck. Well wouldn't you know we actually were caller #5 (I think that was what you had to be to win. I'm not sure again, drinking). So after excessive celebrating and laughing we carry on with our night. Let's just fast forward to last night.



We get to the fair after the rain, hit the petting zoo and check out the pig races. We decide to wander over to the stage and try to get good seats. We get first row and decide it's a good place to settle in. We get the chance to meet him before he played  (he was so much hotter in person) and still got our seats back. 

So we sit back down and are just enjoying the show and then, he told everyone to come towards the stage and have some fun.  We get right up against the stage and are thoroughly enjoying the show (minus the desperate urge to pee).  He was great lots of energy and a totally good time.  Then came the total fan girl moment even though I don't know more than 2 songs from him.

During the beginning of one song he gets down on his knees and starts singing I assume some very sweet song.  And where does he happen to bend down you may ask? That's correct, right in front of me.  And in true fashion... I had no clue what to do so I just stood there awkwardly not knowing what to do with my hands.

Stay classy my friends. 
Until next time ~ Christi





#NotLesbians

Well...hello there.  Nice to see ya.

We have decided to start this blog because our lives are a shit show. Yep. You read that right. A shit show.
Now, you may be thinking to yourself...but Amy...why are you happy your life is a shit show? Well, ladies and gentlemen, our lives are a shit show...but our lives are an absolutely awesome shit show. We have enjoyed (almost) every minute of the last 9 months. We have had some awesome adventures, and I intend on continuing these adventures.

Let me go back a bit. I will start by introducing myself. My name is Amy, I am 28 years old, and I am an alcoholic. 

No, no. Just kidding. This isn't AA, this is just a blog. (No, but seriously...we may drink a little too much.) My best friend (Do adults even use that statement anymore? Who the hell knows.) is Christi. 

It may not seem like it, but we have only been friends for 2-3 years. Crazy? It is. We say it was the universe trying to hold off the amazingness that would come once we became friends.

Let's start from the beginning.
Christi and I grew up in the same town.  We, actually, lived only a few blocks away each other.  She was a grade below me, so we only really just knew of each other through our school years. We had a few mutual friends, but never really hung out with each other.
We were lead to believe, for many years, that we did not like each other. I was actually afraid of Christi. Yep, you read that right. We look back and laugh about it now.

Our friendship all started when we were left alone one evening at Christi's house and had to have some conversation. We knew we both liked the Devils and Walking Dead.

Christi asked me if I would like to go to a convention and meet Norman Reedus. (If you know either one of us now....you know we LOVE Norman Reedus.) Obviously, I said I would love to go. Christi said she would drive, so she came to my house and off we went. It was a half hour car ride to the hotel where the convention was. The car ride there was awkward. We made small talk, but mainly just sat in silence.

When we got to the hotel, we had to by tickets to the convention because we only had our Norman photo-op tickets bought. We ended up cutting a huge line by accident, and there starts our awesome evening.
We found beer...obviously. Then we found this woman selling pretty epic glasses. Naturally, we needed them. She told us that if we could get Norman to hold the glass in our picture, we would get 2 free glasses. That became our mission.

We met the kid from Bad Grandpa before we went to our Norman photo. His manager tried to get us to come to their after party, and followed us all around. I think Christi even got his number. 

We had our photo with Norman. It was a short 30 seconds, but it was the best 30 seconds. He gladly held a cup. He touched my butt, put his arm around Christi, and he was gorgeous. It was from the second that picture was snapped that Christi and I became friends.

We drove to the convention in silence, drove home best friends.
From that day forward, our lives have been one big adventure.
A lot has happened between now and then. Bad relationships. Different friendships. Drama. But everything has happened for a reason. We have spent this entire year just living life.

We spend, basically, every day together. This has lead to our hashtag #NotLesbians. Because we are always together, people have assumed we are a couple.

We are not. We are just 2 chicks that are having the time of their lives.

This blog is to post our adventures. We threw around the idea of a YouTube channel, but for now a blog makes sense. Maybe one day down the road we will be making viral videos. Who knows.

Let the good times roll.

-Amy